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If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote - Water Bottle
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Zen as fuck - Water Bottle
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You are having a laugh - Water Bottle
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Understaffed & Overstimulated - Water Bottle
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Underestimate me. That'll be fun - Water Bottle
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Trauma Do you mean the reason why I'm so fucking hilarious - Water Bottle
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Today's mood is sponsored by coffee, sarcasm and trauma - Water Bottle
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Too busy for bullshit - Water Bottle
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Today’s plan fuck it! - Water Bottle
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Today’s forecast 100% chance of bullshit. 0% chance of giving a fuck - Water Bottle
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This is my daily dose of 300ml of fuckitall - Water Bottle
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Taking it one ‘are you fucking kidding me’ at a time - Water Bottle
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Stupid people shouldn’t breed - Water Bottle
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Sometimes practicing gratitude sounds like 'thank fuck for that' - Water Bottle
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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap more people at once - Water Bottle
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Sometimes I don’t know if I’m in a bad mood or everyone around me is just fucking stupid - Water Bottle
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Someone's crazy ex - Water Bottle
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Some people are just a waste of evolution - Water Bottle
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Shhh, no one cares - Water Bottle
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Proudly sponsored by blood, sweat and tears but mostly wine - Water Bottle
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People can be anything they want and yet some of them choose to be stupid - Water Bottle
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Out of all the therapies that I tried, only retail really works - Water Bottle
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Oh my days - Water Bottle
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Of course I talk like an idiot. How else would you understand me - Cermic Mug
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No one is coming to save you, You are the adult I'm so sorry - Water Bottle
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Mystic moth - Water Bottle
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My wife's husband is freaking awesome - Water Bottle
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My husband's wife is freaking awesome - Water Bottle
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Life's good. You should get one - Water Bottle
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Life hack avoid dickheads not carbohydrates - Water Bottle
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Let's have a moment of silence for all those people dying for attention - Water Bottle
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Let’s see which emotional issues should I bury under layers of sarcasm today - Water Bottle
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Karmasutra When life screws you in all kinds of creative ways - Water Bottle
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I've googled my symptoms.Turns out that I have a bullshit intolerance - Water Bottle
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It's hard to smile and nod when all I want to do is slap people in their faces - Water Bottle
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It's called karma and it's pronounced get fucked - Water Bottle
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I'm not here to fit in. I'm here to stand out - Water Bottle
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I'm just WTF-ing my way through life - Water Bottle
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I'm just FFS-ing my way through llife - Water Bottle
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I'm here. I'm awake. Don't push it - Water Bottle
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I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm - Water Bottle
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I'm all peopled out - Water Bottle
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I'm a YOUR TEXT I work harder than ugly strippers - Personalised Water Bottle
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If you hear me shouting at my children, just know, that I said it nicely 37 times - Water Bottle
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If you don’t like sarcasm, don’t ask me stupid questions - Water Bottle
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If you don’t like me, breathe in and out. There’s literally nothing else you can do - Water Bottle
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If only sarcasm burned calories - Water Bottle
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If I'm too much, go find less - Water Bottle
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If I'm holding a book, pretend I'm invisible - Water Bottle
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If I ever say 'First Of All' - Water Bottle
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I'd be too powerful if I was mentally stable - Water Bottle
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I’m sorry, am I too sarcastic today - Water Bottle
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I’m just an awkward, foul mouthed sarcastic delight - Water Bottle
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I’m in a pretty good mood today. I’ll probably tell you to fuck off, but I’ll have a smile on my face. I might not even give you the finger - Water Bottle
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I’m awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time - Water Bottle
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I wish stupid people came with the mute button - Water Bottle
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I tried to be normal once. Worst experience ever - Water Bottle
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I should be paid more for the amount of idiocy I need to deal with - Water Bottle
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I refer to myself as a ‘free spirit’ because it sounds better than ‘out of fucking control' - Water Bottle
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I might leave work early today, for whatever excuse you’ll believe - Water Bottle
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I like to leave people more confused than how I found them - Water Bottle
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I have finally discovered what’s wrong with people. On the left side of their brains, there’s nothing right, and on the right side, there’s nothing left - Water Bottle
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I have a face with subtitles - Water Bottle
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I don't have the energy today to pretend I like people - Water Bottle
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I believe in being annoyed at first sight - Water Bottle
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I am freaking awesome - Water Bottle
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Honestly, nobody cares - Water Bottle
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Happy wife happy life - Water Bottle
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Future Sugar Daddy - Water Bottle
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Future MILF - Water Bottle
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Fuck off, me, no, that, you checklist - Water Bottle
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Error. Give a fuck file failed to load - Water Bottle
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Embracing the glorious mess that I am - Water Bottle
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Drink responsibly? Responsibilities are the reason I drink - Water Bottle
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Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often - Water Bottle
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Don’t you sometimes just want to say: You can’t possibly be that fucking stupid - Water Bottle
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Don’t forget to drink your water and mind your own business this week - Water Bottle
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Does the process know we trust it - Water Bottle
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Didn’t care yesterday. Don’t give a shit today. Most likely won’t give a fuck tomorrow - Water Bottle
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Did you know that there’s a medicine for what you suffer fromm. It’s called cuntybiotics - Water Bottle
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Dear life, could you at least use lube - Water Bottle
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Contains no fucks - Water bottle
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Bossing it - Water Bottle
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Before you ask me anything, ask yourself if you want to hear my answer - Water Bottle
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Becoming an adult was the stupidest thing I have ever done - Water Bottle
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Assholery no longer tolerated - Water Bottle
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A wise woman once said fuck this shit and she lived happily ever after - Water Bottle
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I’m not lazy. I act my wage - Water Bottle
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Make common sense common again - Water Bottle
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I know I don’t need to be sarcastic but people have given me so much material to work with and I hate being wasteful - Water Bottle
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They are all out of batteries - Water Bottle
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Accuntibility: being angry at yourself for being a cunt, not at others for calling you a cunt - Water Bottle
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I’m full of love, laughter and a whole lot of what the fuck - Water Bottle
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Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they are dead - Water Bottle
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When I said 'How stupid can you be?' it wasn't a challenge - Water Bottle
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Keep talking... I'm diagnosing you - Water Bottle
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I'm running entirely on sarcasm and inappropriate thoughts - Water Bottle
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Be careful. My mouth can hurt your feelings - Water Bottle
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I need a speed bump between my brain and my mouth - Water Bottle
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Sometimes I feel like giving up. Then I remember I have a lot of people to piss off - Water Bottle
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The path to inner peace begins with four words: Not my fucking problem - Water Bottle
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If You Don't Like the Word CUNT, Don't Act Like One - Water Bottle
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I'm sarcastic because telling people to go fuck themselves is apparently rude - Water Bottle
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My dog can tell if you are a twat - Water Bottle
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I'm trying to be more positive person every day. Today, I'm positive everyone is a dickhead - Water Bottle
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I’m not bossy. I am the boss - Water Bottle
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Forgive and forget? Nahh... Fuck you and fuck that - Water Bottle
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Remember when I asked for your opinion? Nope? Me neither - Water Bottle
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A day without sarcasm probably wouldn’t kill me, but why risk it - Water Bottle
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The main cause of stress is daily contact with idiots - Water Bottle
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There’s a chance this contains alcohol - Water Bottle
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I'm too old for this SHIT - Water Bottle
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Let me check my giveashitometer. Nope, nothing - Water Bottle
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Some days my supply of available fucks to give is insufficient for the demand - Water Bottle
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I have my own circus and my own monkeys. Keep yours away - Water Bottle
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I’m not trying to insult people. I’m just good at describing them - Water Bottle
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I'm Really Not Funny. I'm Just Mean And People Think I'm Joking Water Bottle
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May Contain Alcohol - Water Bottle
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Don't Worry What People Think. They Don't Do It Very Often - Water Bottle
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I Swear I Have It All Together. I Just Forgot Where I Put It - Water Bottle
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I'm Such A Millennial - Water Bottle
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I'm Not Sarcastic. I'm Just A Funny Person Surrounded By Idiots Water Bottle
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I'm struggling to care and I'm not even sorry - Water Bottle
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From the bottom of my heart: I don’t care - Water Bottle
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I Wouldn't Have To Manage My Anger If People Managed Their Stupidity Water Bottle
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Poor Planning On Your Part Does Not Constitute An Emergency On Mine Water Bottle
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There is someone for everyone. For some, it’s a psychiatrist - Water Bottle
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What Doesn't Kill You Disappoints Me - Water Bottle
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You can’t possibly still be shocked by what’s coming out of my mouth - Water Bottle
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Being at work is a social experiment testing the limits of my patience and ability to interract with idiots - Water Bottle
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Being sarcastic and being sincere sounds surprisingly similar - Water Bottle
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‘We don’t lick people’ is the biggest lie we tell children - Water Bottle
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I wonder how many people listen to me and think if I get psychiatric help - Water Bottle
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Good girls go to heaven. Bad ones get spanked - Water Bottle
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I'm Sarcastic Because Punching People Is Frowned Upon - Water Bottle
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The Bags Under My Eyes Are Designer - Water Bottle
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I have a very peopley job for a person who doesn’t like people - Water Bottle
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Go away. I'm introverting - Water Bottle
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I couldn't care less - Water Bottle
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I’ve tried shutting up. It’s not for me - Water Bottle
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I’m glad that my thoughts don’t appear in speech bubbles over my head - Water Bottle
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Apparently, alcohol is not the way to improve staff meetings - Water Bottle
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I wonder if people look both ways before getting on my fucking nerves - Water Bottle
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I can’t turn water into wine but I can turn alcohol into bad decisions and absolute chaos - Water Bottle
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Keeping my head high and my middle finger higher - Water Bottle
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Daily reminder some people are here just to test your patience - Water Bottle
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Apologies for having a great rack and always being right - Water Bottle
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I won't be remembered as a person who keeps their mouth shut - Water Bottle
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Your secrets are safe with me. I'm not even listening - Water Bottle
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I hate when people don't get my sarcasm because I now sound like a bully - Water Bottle
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Some people are like twunts. Because twat and cunt just isn't enough - Water Bottle
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I don't need your attitude. I've got my own - Water Bottle
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Not to brag, but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions - Water Bottle
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DO NOT DISTURB! Already disturbed. Proceed with caution - Water Bottle
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Today's mantra: Punching people will land me jail time and I'm too soft for jail. Omm - Water Bottle
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I wish I lacked common sense. You all seem so happy - Water Bottle
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Live. Laugh. Love. Leave me alone - Water Bottle
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I really want to be nice to people but some of you dickheads - Water Bottle
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No Crisis Allowed This Week. My Schedule Is Already Full - Water Bottle
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Apologies if I loook like I'm interested - Water Bottle
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Being nice is overrated. Just find a good lawyer - Water Bottle
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Some days the supply of available profanities is insufficient for my demand - Water Bottle
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Prison is temporary, memories are forever - Water Bottle
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I actually enjoy being this dramatic - Water Bottle
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You cannot imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give - Water Bottle
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I’ve hit a whole new level of not giving a fuck - Water Bottle
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Live Laugh fuck Off - Water Bottle
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Teacups Whisper Among Teapots - Water Bottle
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There We Are Then - Water Bottle
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Pirates In Sailboats Seek Out Fabulous Fortunes - Water Bottle
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Penguins In Santa Suits Offer Fresh Fish - Water Bottle
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Pansies In Springtime Signal Of Flourishing Flowers - Water Bottle
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Cuddly Unicorns Nap Together - Water Bottle
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Caffeine Unleashes Natural Thrills - Water Bottle
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I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, because I’m champagne - Water Bottle
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So apparently I have an attitude - Water Bottle
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Keep talking. I'm totally judging you - Water Bottle
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I suffer from severe SLAY-DHD - Water Bottle
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This is a really bad time to be sober - Water Bottle
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You can’t make this shit up - Water Bottle
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As blunt as I may seem, I don't say half of what I'm thinking - Water Bottle
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I am not as mean as I could be and I want people to be more grateful for that - Water Bottle
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My people skills are exeptional. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work - Water Bottle
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Please be fucking nice. There are too many dickheads already - Water Bottle
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Who left the box of dickheads open - Water Bottle
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I wish I was off my tits on aperol spritz - Water Bottle
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I’m not sure what my future holds, but it can’t possibly be going according to plan - Water Bottle
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This killing them with kindness is taking way too long - Water Bottle
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Life is all about balance 50% namaste 50% fuck off - Water Bottle
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My giveafuck is on holiday - Water Bottle
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The boobs are real. The smile is fake - Water Bottle
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Cacti: the only pricks worth my energy - Water Bottle
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Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed - Water Bottle
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Don't take yourself too seriously. Nobody else does - Water Bottle
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You think I'm sarcastic? You should hear the things I keep to myself - Water Bottle
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I have never faked a sarcasm - Water Bottle
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Proud member of the National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your help - Water Bottle
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Please don't be rude to me because my rude will outrude your rude and you will cry - Water Bottle
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Live. Laugh. Love. Don't be a... - Water Bottle
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Don't Like Me? Have a Seat with the Rest of People Waiting for Me to Give a Fuck - Water Bottle
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